Thursday, December 10, 2009

Things I know I should not have seen

Most people I know have seen something that makes them feel uncomfortable in their lives. You know like seeing your parents having sex. I haven't actually seen that myself but the things I have seen seem worse than that.

I was telling a story to my friends at work the other day. It was about coming across a handful of Polaroids with guys from the 70's pictured doing stuff I should not have seen. I REALLY didn't think it happened or at least I didn't want to think this shit actually happened. I'll tell you in a bit the details but be warned it is graphic and I'm not going to hold back my descriptions. And I do this not to entertain you but to help you perhaps be in my head at that moment when things changed for me. Brought me to tears.

I realized after telling this particular story to my friends that I had a few of these somewhat disturbing stories. The ones that make people shake their heads and say, "Oh my God".

First memory starts with a lovely father and daughter bike ride through King Phillips Stockade in Springfield. Right on the Longmeadow border. It used to be open to the public and quite a pretty area overlooking the Ct. River. Dad and I peddled into the park and pretty soon thereafter I was looking at two guys fucking against a tree. That's why it was shut down. Wow right? My father quickly saw what I had seen and got us turned around and out of there quick. Now keep in mind I had no idea what I was seeing. I was young. It took a few years to learn about that kinda shit and then realize I had seen what other kids were joking about when they were trying to be outrageous. They had no idea what they were talking about. Why should they. It's shocking enough to see a man and women having sex when you're young. This was different. No one talked about gay people back then. This scene was not lovely to me. No Cinderella kiss and Snow White Love. I didn't tell anyone. How do you say, "I saw two guys doing it" as a little kid. Well that was a teaser, so to speak, of the crap I ended up seeing in my life that I knew I shouldn't have.

Around that same time in my life or close enough to that age where sex was never in my thoughts. . . I was at a family friends lake house with the whole ski school crew. Kids and parents partying together. Not an unusual weekend happening for us. Myself and my friend went downstairs to sleep in their very funky kids room/play/hangout area. Lots of kids all ages living there. Big family. Sleeping in cool cut out bunks and lofts on all different levels. I woke up hearing a horrible gasping and brutal sound coming from the other side of the room. I shook my friend and said "wake up. . . I think someone is hurting your sister". She was a bit more street smart than I was at this point in my life. She looked in the direction I was pointing and said "they're just having sex, I hear it all the time".

O.k. hearing it was scary to me. Men making deep grunting sounds and women practically screaming isn't what I thought sex was like. Whoa. But the image of the two bodies didn't make any sense to me at the time. Later of course I realize they were in the classic 69 position. I mean Jesus Christ! What kid would be able to figure out what the hell was going on by looking at that. I had never seen or heard of anything like it?

More weird sexual images to clutter my mind. What's worse? The fact that my young friend had seen that before and wasn't even phased by it or the innocent kid that I was seeing what I knew I shouldn't have seen?


One night when I was in my early twenties. A group of friends, three guys and two girls including myself, were hanging downtown. One of the guys said "let's go to the strip club". She laughed, I laughed and we said O.k. We walked in and right away we saw a girl on the stage, of course naked, with tennis sneakers on (weird) maybe she was the sexy tennis pro who then stripped. Stupid. Anyway, she was doing her grinding, pole rubbing, bending over bleached asshole thing. The place smelled like cheap perfume and feminine deodorant spray. Another thing I will never get over. A few moments into her act she looked up and was face to face with myself and my girl friend. Her face dropped. She was humiliated. She lost her composure and looked completely lost. My friend and I looked at each other feeling kinda sick about the whole thing and left. I had the feeling she knew she was fucking with the whole unspoken-powerful-sisterhood-bond thing that us women don't even know we have. Quite sad and another thing I knew I should not have seen.


Of course it goes on. Still in my twenties for this one. Another scene that left me feeling oddly depressed and detached. I was in a band and we were setting up our gear at a club. A bachelor party was going on in the basement at the same time we were doing our sound check. One of the guys in the band said, "lets go spy". I don't know why I went to spy having already seen enough in my past to make me feel bad. Why do we do things we know we shouldn't? Maybe we can't believe what we saw before and if we see it again it will make it real ?? or maybe it will be better this time and the bad memories will go away. Who knows? Who cares?

We climbed down the stairs and sat on the steps. A girl was sitting on a chair which was in the center of a ring of chairs. Maybe twenty chairs. Each guy was sitting and facing the center "ring". She moved her chair around to each guy and spread her legs while the guys shouted shit like, "stuff my beer up your twat!". The look on her face was so blank. Dead. The guys were laughing at her and at each other. If that wasn't bad enough another girl came out from the kitchen with a double headed dildo wearing shaving cream. How stupid. And they got on all fours in the center of the "ring" and fucked each other. I was in shock. I couldn't move from the stairs. I was so profoundly sad and feeling scared for these girls. It was an awful feeling in my gut. They had no expressions on their faces. The guys were acting so violent and crazy. I wanted to tell them to stop but I knew I wasn't supposed to see this.

I climbed upstairs and joined our band on stage, we started our show. Those asshole guys started making their way up to our stage when their "show" was over and they stood right in front of me with those same evil fucked up perverted eyes yelling over the sound of my voice for me to "take of my clothes" and other disgusting demands. I think the guys in the band told them to beat it but I felt so strange for weeks after that. I hated guys. I felt that I had scene some underworld of "guydome" that girls weren't supposed to know about. Every guy I knew that went to a bachelor party or a strip joint or even looked at porn really pissed me off. I kept it to myself but it took me awhile to like guys after that raw scene. I don't mean I was lesbian I mean just to like them. Or want to share any thoughts with them. Thankfully I don't feel that way anymore.

Some things that you read about make you wonder if they are really true. Like gerbils or cum guzzling rock stars. You haven't really seen anything like that but you just assume it's true. Or better still you don't even give it a thought. That is normal. Let me tell you YOU DON'T WANT TO SEE THOSE THINGS.

Here's the piece de resistance. Going back only 12 years or so ago I was dumpster diving with my Mother. Let me explain. My boyfriend at the time owned a recycling business and the huge walk in dumpsters that he used for house clean outs and the like were pulled into his huge business garage area near our old house for him to inspect before being taken to the landfill. He had to make sure there weren't any hazardous shit or whatever he did. He always called up to the house if he saw something in them that he thought I would like. More than once there would be furniture from old homes where there was no family around to take the stuff. I have rifled through many a dumpster to find great antiques and fabric and cookbooks. This particular day my mother was over and he called us up saying there were tons of cookbooks and some boots I think that we might want. Mom and I ran down and started making our piles of treasures. I had some very cool drapes, lamps, cowboy boots and old cookbooks. I wanted this tall dresser and had grabbed the first drawer to dump out its contents and saw a tube of K-Y jelly. I said, "uggh who's house was this? I thought it was someone old. I guess they were still doing it with someone or maybe themselves haha hahaa ". My boyfriend told me it was the Minister in the next hill town over from us. Hmmm. He was old.

I picked up a stack of Polaroids two inches thick from the same drawer and looked at the first picture. I started crying. Quiet tears. I had lost the last bit of innocence I didn't even know I had just by seeing the first picture. I saw the Minister with about 8 men performing sex acts for the camera and each other. I saw one man on the floor in fetal position with another guys ENTIRE foot buried in his ass. I am NOT EXAGGERATING. Next photo a guy on the floor again but this time it's someones fist and arm up his ass. The other guys jerking off over him. All the while someone is taking pictures and this Minsiter had saved the damn things. He was young in the pictures. Guys lying on beds with straps and clamps on their balls. It was surreal but there it was in color pictures. My mother looked over and said, "what's the matter?". I handed over the pile without thinking. I think she looked down for a split second then my boyfriend took the pile, looked at the first few and slammed them in the drawer closed. My Mother and I left the pile of treasures we had been so happy about and walked to my house in silence. We were shocked. Not only were the pictures so outrageous but it was the fucking Minister. The next day at work I tried to tell my friend about it and I started crying again. I cannot explain how terrible it made me feel to see people doing such outrageous things to each other. Things I really didn't think were real. ENTIRE FEET#$@?!! Am I a prude? How would it make you feel? Really I want to know. I have never talked about any of these stories with a shrink. I have so many other tidbits that make me the complete whack job that I am. it wouldn't take a shrink to tell me that I shouldn't have seen those things.

I am sure I am missing a few but you get the point. Bizarre.

7 comments:

  1. I'm sorry that these things exist, these horrors of non-sexuality, non-sensuality, non-love. And I'm sorry that either you or I or any innocent has ever had to be exposed to the knowledge or reality or idea of them. I am just thankful that my pure desire has remained. Some things have made it hide for a little while to spare itself, but thankfully, it has returned, perhaps with more clarity about how beautiful it actually is.

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  2. No one it seems was hurt in any of these inane, insane or even gross acts of sexuality, except possibly yourself. Gayness, prostitution, teenage sex, repressed sexual aggressiveness and perversion due to repression are fist in hand Nature to a % of persons for as long as we understood each other as one another. why do you thing you are struck still by these images at a more worldly age? why hold on to other peoples bitter delights if they are so agnostic to yourself? Shit, why bother?.... Unless its to propel you as the artist.

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  3. actually by writing all of these blog postings I am in the process of getting rid of each of these feelings and images and confusion. I am not just talking about the "things I shouldn't have seen blog". I mean my rape stories, my past career, death everything. I know everyone has shit to deal with. most are even dealing with harsher shit than I am. On of my shrinks told me to write it down and burn it. well this is my burn. it seems to be working for me.

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