Tuesday, October 13, 2009

This time I got away

As I just wrote to my Chelsea, the reason I tell everyone everything about myself and always have is because it gives me my power back. I'm a very insecure person. You wouldn't guess that being that I am able to sing in front of 20,000 people and I like being the center of attention.  But it's true. I figure if everyone knows everything about me then NO ONE has anything up on me. Whatever.

    Well that being said, rape once again showed it's ugly face when I was in college. I was dating a guy who was a brother in a fraternity.  Frat parties were almost every night. We partied till midnight with the doors open to the public and then after 12 they would do a sweep and get everyone but the brothers and their girlfriends/girls out of the house for the late night insanity.

This particular night I was milling around the first floor waiting for the "all clear" when out of nowhere two guys grabbed me and pulled me into a pitch dark room. They immediately try to rip off my shirt and get my pants off. One guy was about my height. Someones hands were inside my shirt and one of them was saying disgusting shit in my ear covering my mouth so hard I couldn't breath.  Half my nose was under his huge hand.  The other fucker was taller than me and they were both all over me. No way was this gonna happen. Oh my God, no way. This time I fought back and I stayed in my body. Amped up to save myself.
I could feel they were trying to push me down to the floor. I twisted toward the short guy and grabbed him by the fucking neck and I pushed in so hard on his adams apple that  he chocked and let go coughing. I turned and reached up in the dark and smashed the other guys head against the door jam or something hard. I was insanely strong and fighting for my life. I was able to get away.

    I ran up the stairs with my clothes still all fucked up. I found my boyfriend what JUST happened. The president of the house ran downstairs and locked the doors. He gathered every frat boy and made them all go into the kitchen without telling them all why. I was to look in and see if it was any of them. I said I just don't know- it was so quick. I only know dark hair short guy and lighter hair taller guy. Nothing came of it that night.
    I cried a lot and had the shakes when I was alone. I was so embarassed as I walked around campus. Not sure why. I guess I was wondering if the two assholes were looking at me or if they were in my class.  They may have been so drunk that they couldn't even pick me out of a crowd. I don't know if I was singled out or if I was the unlucky female in the hall next to the dark room. I was not right for awhile.

  Anyway,  shortly after the incident I was sitting in the cafeteria with my friends and my boyfriend. I looked up and my friend later told me my that my face went white. Some one said "what's up" and they all turned to look where I was looking. They all saw what I saw. A tall guy with a scab or scratch/cut on his face and a short guy with a bruise on his neck. I think it was four of my guy friends including my boyfriend that got up and escorted the guys outside. I didn't see any of that I had my head down looking at my tray. My girlfriends were probably rubbing my back. I still to this day do not know what they did to those guys.  They wouldn't say after. It didn't matter.

   This past Summer I saw my boyfriend from those days for the first time in YEARS. We had connected again through Facebook and he was vacationing on the Cape. My husband and my daughter and his kids all met on the beach and we talked and laughed. I brought up the ugly story and asked if would finally tell me what he and the guys did to those assholes back then. He said he wasn't quite sure. His memory sucked in general. I could relate to that. I guess it really doesn't matter.


  1. Powerful & promising. I can only imagine the thoughts that prey your mind raising so beautiful a baby girl and pondering what her future will be. Teach her young to fight, fight, fight back so she never has to live with the shame of giving in.

  2. so very true, she will be smart and believe in herself unlike I ever did.